There is something interesting about relationships and that is that they require a lot of effort. They tend to be rather difficult to deal with, especially in today’s world. Yet, when you add a mental illness to the equation, the difficulty only seems to increase completely. Everyone needs a sense of companionship, a person who they feel like they belong with, whether or not they wish to admit it. It is all apart of human nature. Without it, we are prone to the loneliness of our own minds, our own souls. We as humans are social beings and need socialization in order to keep us happy. It is the way of life.
Now the reason I am bringing this up is because I myself am in a relationship and I am often confused by how it goes. There are plenty of times that I feel like it is a winding path where I really don’t know if I am supposed to go left or right. I really don’t know. And let me tell you this, he is in the Navy so he is away until March so it is less hectic, at least I would imagine it would be, than what a real relationship would be. Yet, there are times that I often question whether or not he is happy. I myself am happy. I am very happy and have been told by my friends that they have never really seen me this happy before. Yet sometimes worry about him. Is he happy or is he just doing this for me?
This is the thing about having a mental illness especially with having anxiety, your mind is always in a constant worry. It is something that I cannot control and often times, I generally imagine that the worse is going to happen, even when I know that it will not. It is the way that it works inside of my head. You see, when I call or text him, my mind always tells me that he is not happy with me – that there is something bothering him that he doesn’t want to admit to telling me. I ask him all the time about it and he tell me that there is nothing wrong and yet, there is that constant fear that he is hiding something from me. It is this constant fear which sometimes keeps me up at night, which I often time have to remind myself to keep myself going and that my worries are not valid. It is hard but it is often something that I have to do.
Sometimes I just wish that I had someone who understood me to ease my mind a bit, who is able to understand me and what I am doing through. I am afraid that most people I know do not understand what I am going through nor do I tell them what I deal with on a daily basis. I am afraid of telling them exactly how I am feeling. Probably why I prefer writing it out on my blog than actually talking about it in person. It helps me to ease my mind and with the help and support of some of the people who read my blog, it just helps. I know that I should talk to him about this but I feel as though I would scare him away. Again, it is this constant fear that lingers within my head which I wish that I could just get rid of. Unfortunately, this is apart of my illness and I get to deal with it.