2/20/17 – Daily Thoughts

dailythoughts

So on the days that I really don’t have any topic to talk about, I am just going to be posting my thoughts. It is something that I figure will help me out with managing this disorder and well as helping others to see what I actually deal with on a daily basis, especially when it comes to the racing thoughts that I deal with. I figure why not take it to express myself and let others see the way that I think. It might probably help me.

I will admit, I am completely frustrated. My mind is a complete blur at the moment, filled with so many thoughts and images that it is so hard for me to actually sort through them all. I wish I could, I wish I could really understand what goes on within my brain but it is hard at times. Half the time, I barely even get a decent night’s sleep, especially if I don’t have my medicine to calm the thoughts that are ever present in my mind. It is a horrible nightly ritual that I must deal with. Take the medicine at 6:00pm and allow it to kick in before going to bed. The medicine does not take away all of the racing thought, only some of it. There are times where I am still restless, tossing and turning so therefore, I make sure that I am beat before going to bed. I used to be able to stay up late but now I have found myself going to bed around 7:00pm to 8:00pm at night. Sometimes it is 9:00pm but it is on rare occasions when I have to actually work late, such as today. Yet even then, I find myself getting tired easily and drained from the people I work with and the customers I serve, which brings me to another topic.

People easily drain my energy. I used to be one of those who was so energetic, that nothing seemed to have been able to slow me down. Now, it seems that interacting with people is the one thing that does slow me down, especially when it is a massive amount of people. I work as a hairstylist – which I sometimes question why I do – where I constantly interact with multiple people every day. It is draining. Their energy drains me to the point that by the end of my shift, I am void of any emotions or feelings left. I am empty of everything really. I am tired and completely worn out from the different personalities that are within the chair that I often do question why I do hair. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job however I do go exhausted with the multiple personalities that I deal with on a daily basis. I become worn out. Those who do not experience this are lucky, you do not know what it is like to have your own personality and energy taken away from you due to the amount of people you serve. I wish I didn’t know. Unfortunately, I am one of the ones that do.

Now since I jumped around a bit, to go hand in hand with the frustration, I tend to get rather angry very quickly. I may not show it as much as people are assumed – actually, most people assume that I am rather a pleasant person to be around – but I do get rather angry very quickly. The smallest things do bother me to the point that I will get angry over them and will hold a grudge over it for a couple of days until someone tells me to either get over it or until that person apologizes to me. It is rather hard to experience something like that, considering that I try my best in order to be fair in all situations that are put on hand but often times, I cannot be fair at all. There are sometimes that my mind tends to take over the situation and my anger prevails over everything else. This anger is so difficult to control and yet, I want to control it more than anything else that I wish that I can control. I wish I could control it. It is something that I wish that I could do. It is difficult though, especially with the thoughts that I have going through my mind. Yet, my most recent anger – and frustrations – just happens to me around my medicine. For me, my medicine is not working the way that it should be and therefore, it is frustrating me way more than what it should be. I am becoming angry because of it, getting annoyed at the people around me for no reason because of the fact that my medicine is not doing what it should. Along with that frustration, I am often crying a lot, allowing my frustrations to show in front of my mom. It is something that I find to be embarrassing but it helps a lot, especially when I really don’t know how to express myself. I feel at times as though I have completely lost myself within translation, lost myself within this disorder that I have been given. I wish I haven’t but in all honesty, I think I have lost myself. I am trying to find myself once again but I am beginning to question if that is at all possible. It is possible, I know it is but at the moment, I seem to have lost all hope in it all.

Out of everything that I have been feeling, the worse has to be the numbing depression. For those who have not experienced depression, let me tell you that it is not fun at all. Depression is a numbing feeling, taking every emotion that you had within you and leaving you empty. You feel as though you are worthless, as though you matter to no one within the world, even though you are actually loved by countless of people. You pull yourself away from those people, from those who love you, and find comfort in being alone. Not only that but your self esteem deteriorates. It complete diminishes to the point where there is hardly anything left to it but a small glimmer of hope that maybe, one day, you would be able to get out of this, that you would be able to fight this. Depression is not the illness of the weak, for anyone can feel depressed at anytime, and it is completely foolish for anyone to think such a thing. With my bipolar, my depression episodes tend to me constant, always glaring at me in the face and wanting me to fight my inner demons, even though I want to just stay in bed and cry. Yet, these are the days where I must get up and fight my demons and deal with them. These are the days which I fight my hardest without the help of everyone else. I struggle sometimes – boy, do I struggle – but sometimes, I think I am one of the bravest souls I know. I fight a battle that most know nothing about, a battle that most would only dream about. Depression isn’t a walk in the park, depression a serious illness that a lot of people suffer from, including myself.

Dealing with Bipolar Disorder, I deal with an everyday battle of my mental illness. It is not fun  and it can be such a tiring process that one much deal with, especially when dealing with it on a daily basis. There is still some things that I am trying to deal with when it comes to my mental illness however, I am slowly learning to manage it to the best of ny ability, especially when it comes to everything that I listed above. Soon I will get ahold of it but as of right now, I am taking things one step at a time.

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