Why I write?

It is something that is commonly asked of me. Why do I write? With it being commonly asked, it is something that I often think about. Sometimes, I really don’t know the answer to the question and shrug it off for it really doesn’t matter, does it? Other times, I ponder the reason why I got into writing and the effects that it has had on my body. So why do I write? There are plenty of reasons as to why..

I write to release my soul of any tensions that I am feeling deep inside, to calm it of the anxiety that I feel on a constant basis. When my mind is a jumbled mess, it is nice to come home and just write something down without the judgement of others around me, which I should be writing more often. It is nice to place my own thoughts and feelings in writing and express my own knowledge about a situation that I may feel differently about compared to others. After all, there are times in which a person cannot express themselves with their own words and therefore, they find writing to be the best way of communication. I tend to be one of those people. For me, writing is not as exhausting as it is to have an actually communication with another human being. For me, that is something that I dread more than anything else. Again, you can blame my anxiety for that that.

I also write because I enjoy writing. There is something about it that I really cannot explain. For me, writing is fun and I could easily write a long essay if given the chance than to stand by and watch tv. I just prefer it to most things I do. Just like on my time off of work, I prefer reading articles and understanding things, especially whenever it comes to things dealing with mental health. For me, that is interesting for me. It may not be interesting for other people but for me it is very interesting. It is one of the things that I enjoy doing and continue to enjoy doing.

Perhaps this helps to give you a little bit of an idea of how my mind works or maybe, it just confused you more. Hopefully, it is not the latter of the two.

2/23/17 – Daily Thoughts


I skipped a day of journaling, just to allow myself to relax my mind a bit and to enjoy the nice weather that was outside. Plus with work, it was hard for me to actually fit in a good schedule in to put in an entry. I will say though that everything went well yesterday. My moods were level and I had no problems at all. At work, I am in a good mood, with me working with my manager who helped me out with my haircuts – which I am grateful for – whenever I needed the help. It is something that I appreciate working for the company that I work for. Not only am I going to grow into a job that I love, but with Great Clips, I have a supportive team who is more than willing to help me out whenever I need it. With me still learning, it is nice to have others take me under their wing and show me the skills that they have learned as stylists, things that I never thought that I would have learned elsewhere. Another great thing is that they make sure that I am with something who is a stronger cutter than I that way, if I have any questions, that person would be more than willing to help me out with my haircut.

There are times in which I feel as though I am bothering them whenever I am asking questions but I also need to remember that I am also there to learn as much as they are there to work and therefore, it is a dime a piece. Plus, each of them have been so helpful with everything that I needed help on, especially when I needed it. All of us are supportive of each other and it makes for a great environment that we all can work at. Plus, it helps to lower the amount of stress that we might have to deal with in the salon because as a hairstylist, you deal with a lot of stress in general. I am just happy to be finally feeling better after last week of total chaos.

As for today, I had my psychiatry appointment, which went well. Prozac was upped for me from 40mg to 60mg, so hopefully, that will help a bit with the depressive spells that I have been feeling. Other than that, my medicines have been left alone. Along with that, I finally will be able to see a therapist on March 13th, which is a blessing to me. I have been on the waitlist, waiting to go see one and thankfully, I have been bumped up, due to recent events that occurred. It is something that I am excited for, considering that I have been waiting to see someone for the longest time. Hopefully, this therapist will work out a lot better than the last. It makes me slightly nervous but I sincerely hope that it does. I am certain that everything will end up being fine in the end but I am still nervous.

Other than that, there wasn’t much that I did today. I went to the mall and picked up some new shoes for work. I also picked up some books on bipolar disorder to help me cope with it a bit more; it was suggested to me by someone I met. I started to read one of them and I am going to look over the other ones as well to see what they entitle me to do. I have to renewal my license for cosmetology as well as work a bit more on my watercolor painting. Other than that, I really don’t think that there is anything else that I need to do. I just wanted to keep everyone updated and let you all know that I am around and I am working hard in order to improve my mental help.

I am also looking for suggestions on good books to read on bipolar disorder as well. Also, if you have any good coping skills or anything that helped you improve your live, please post in the comments and let me know. I would love to hear from you. Thank you all and have a blessed day.

Racing Thoughts

Racing thoughts.. it is seriously a time in which I wish that I could seriously collect all of my thoughts into a bottle and hold onto them tightly. For me, everything is a blur at this time and it is hard to tell what I am actually thinking. I hate these moments of my illness, the moments that I deal with these thoughts that I really cannot control. I sometimes wish that I could gather my thoughts but no, that would not be possible at all. It could not be possible. These thoughts are apart of me now and there is nothing that I can really do in order to control them, except for continuing to take my medicine. But even then, it seems as though the thoughts just wish to make everything a blur to me.

I don’t know why this has to be apart of the bipolar disorder. I seriously wish it wasn’t for those who have never had to deal with racing thoughts are lucky. They never had to deal with the fact that it felt like they were a train ready to flip off of its tracks and crash to the ground where it didn’t belong. That is what it feels like to me. There are plenty of times where I cannot even gather my thoughts, times in which I try my best to control more than anything else. It is hard though, hard to control these thoughts that some people know nothing about. These thoughts make me cry at times, make me wish that I did not have to deal with them at all. They are horrible, the one thing that I wish I didn’t have to deal with and yet, they glare at me every day, threatening me to come out. Some days are worse than others while other days, I feel like there is nothing to them at all.

The medicine I am on helps to control them, helps to manage them but it doesn’t completely get rid of them. It just minimizes the racing of the thoughts and makes them go a lot slower than what they were before. Some days the medicine works well, other days it does not. It really depends on the day. When the medicine does not seem to be doing its job, I turn my attention to journaling, which seems to help out a lot. It helps to get my thoughts out on paper, to write down everything that I possibly can write without anyone really bothering me or bugging me about the issue at hand. Sometimes, I journal twice a day depending on how my thoughts are going while, for the most part, I only journal once a day, allowing everything to be released on paper, to allow all my thoughts to be spread about and thrown together with well fitted words. Journaling is my release in life, is the one way that I am able to find myself in a word where I feel so different from the people around me. It helps me to see straight when at times, I cannot see for myself. It is a blessing when I am finally able to fit in with the word around me, especially when I already feel absent from the world that I belong to.

As for these racing thoughts that I deal with, there are a variety of different things that I have thoughts about, depending on what I think about, for they are just normal thoughts just in hyper speed. Today I had a thought about a dream I had last night where I was told by my manager that I wasn’t bipolar – wouldn’t that be swell – and that I was alright. Unfortunately, I know that it isn’t the case for me and I still have Bipolar. As I stated above these thoughts usually come on daily and are usually slowed down with the help of medicine and – for me – journaling. That is one of the reasons why you see me attempting to journal every day. That is unless I fall off the face of this earth. I do tend to do that at times, which I have proven also.

Although this is something that I must learn to deal with, it is something that I will not allow to run my life. I am determined to life a fulfilling life, no matter how short or long it might end up being.

2/20/17 – Daily Thoughts


So on the days that I really don’t have any topic to talk about, I am just going to be posting my thoughts. It is something that I figure will help me out with managing this disorder and well as helping others to see what I actually deal with on a daily basis, especially when it comes to the racing thoughts that I deal with. I figure why not take it to express myself and let others see the way that I think. It might probably help me.

I will admit, I am completely frustrated. My mind is a complete blur at the moment, filled with so many thoughts and images that it is so hard for me to actually sort through them all. I wish I could, I wish I could really understand what goes on within my brain but it is hard at times. Half the time, I barely even get a decent night’s sleep, especially if I don’t have my medicine to calm the thoughts that are ever present in my mind. It is a horrible nightly ritual that I must deal with. Take the medicine at 6:00pm and allow it to kick in before going to bed. The medicine does not take away all of the racing thought, only some of it. There are times where I am still restless, tossing and turning so therefore, I make sure that I am beat before going to bed. I used to be able to stay up late but now I have found myself going to bed around 7:00pm to 8:00pm at night. Sometimes it is 9:00pm but it is on rare occasions when I have to actually work late, such as today. Yet even then, I find myself getting tired easily and drained from the people I work with and the customers I serve, which brings me to another topic.

People easily drain my energy. I used to be one of those who was so energetic, that nothing seemed to have been able to slow me down. Now, it seems that interacting with people is the one thing that does slow me down, especially when it is a massive amount of people. I work as a hairstylist – which I sometimes question why I do – where I constantly interact with multiple people every day. It is draining. Their energy drains me to the point that by the end of my shift, I am void of any emotions or feelings left. I am empty of everything really. I am tired and completely worn out from the different personalities that are within the chair that I often do question why I do hair. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job however I do go exhausted with the multiple personalities that I deal with on a daily basis. I become worn out. Those who do not experience this are lucky, you do not know what it is like to have your own personality and energy taken away from you due to the amount of people you serve. I wish I didn’t know. Unfortunately, I am one of the ones that do.

Now since I jumped around a bit, to go hand in hand with the frustration, I tend to get rather angry very quickly. I may not show it as much as people are assumed – actually, most people assume that I am rather a pleasant person to be around – but I do get rather angry very quickly. The smallest things do bother me to the point that I will get angry over them and will hold a grudge over it for a couple of days until someone tells me to either get over it or until that person apologizes to me. It is rather hard to experience something like that, considering that I try my best in order to be fair in all situations that are put on hand but often times, I cannot be fair at all. There are sometimes that my mind tends to take over the situation and my anger prevails over everything else. This anger is so difficult to control and yet, I want to control it more than anything else that I wish that I can control. I wish I could control it. It is something that I wish that I could do. It is difficult though, especially with the thoughts that I have going through my mind. Yet, my most recent anger – and frustrations – just happens to me around my medicine. For me, my medicine is not working the way that it should be and therefore, it is frustrating me way more than what it should be. I am becoming angry because of it, getting annoyed at the people around me for no reason because of the fact that my medicine is not doing what it should. Along with that frustration, I am often crying a lot, allowing my frustrations to show in front of my mom. It is something that I find to be embarrassing but it helps a lot, especially when I really don’t know how to express myself. I feel at times as though I have completely lost myself within translation, lost myself within this disorder that I have been given. I wish I haven’t but in all honesty, I think I have lost myself. I am trying to find myself once again but I am beginning to question if that is at all possible. It is possible, I know it is but at the moment, I seem to have lost all hope in it all.

Out of everything that I have been feeling, the worse has to be the numbing depression. For those who have not experienced depression, let me tell you that it is not fun at all. Depression is a numbing feeling, taking every emotion that you had within you and leaving you empty. You feel as though you are worthless, as though you matter to no one within the world, even though you are actually loved by countless of people. You pull yourself away from those people, from those who love you, and find comfort in being alone. Not only that but your self esteem deteriorates. It complete diminishes to the point where there is hardly anything left to it but a small glimmer of hope that maybe, one day, you would be able to get out of this, that you would be able to fight this. Depression is not the illness of the weak, for anyone can feel depressed at anytime, and it is completely foolish for anyone to think such a thing. With my bipolar, my depression episodes tend to me constant, always glaring at me in the face and wanting me to fight my inner demons, even though I want to just stay in bed and cry. Yet, these are the days where I must get up and fight my demons and deal with them. These are the days which I fight my hardest without the help of everyone else. I struggle sometimes – boy, do I struggle – but sometimes, I think I am one of the bravest souls I know. I fight a battle that most know nothing about, a battle that most would only dream about. Depression isn’t a walk in the park, depression a serious illness that a lot of people suffer from, including myself.

Dealing with Bipolar Disorder, I deal with an everyday battle of my mental illness. It is not fun  and it can be such a tiring process that one much deal with, especially when dealing with it on a daily basis. There is still some things that I am trying to deal with when it comes to my mental illness however, I am slowly learning to manage it to the best of ny ability, especially when it comes to everything that I listed above. Soon I will get ahold of it but as of right now, I am taking things one step at a time.

Coping Skills: Watercolor Painting

When a person is stressed, coping skills is one of the best ways in order to help ease yourself out of the stress that you are feeling. There are many different ways that many people cope with stress, including deep breathing, going for a walk, taking a break, etc. Each coping skill works completely different for each person. One of the coping skills that I find rather helpful – other than the journaling that I am often doing – are watercolor paintings.

I don’t know why but I always had a fascination with watercolor painting ever since I was in High School. I will be honest, I hated to paint. Acrylics and oil paints were not my forte and I struggled with blending colors together. For me, being the perfectionist that I am, I could never make anything look as nice as what I wanted too. Everything ended up looking flat and plain. Those paints frustrated me and often made me want to throw in the towel rather quickly, as much as I tried to learn. I also did not like how finicky the paint was. Then you had oil pastels, which I loved completely. They blended like a dream and were vibrant with the colors that they provided. I loved working with them completely. Of course, there was a setback to the pastels as well. They were messy. There was a good chance that you would end up with fingerprints on your clothes or on the wall. Pastels could be a nightmare if not handled correctly though they were fun to work with.

It was during my time in High School which I was introduced to watercolor paints and the wonders that they could actually provide to someone and, let me be honest, they are wonderful. Watercolors blend like a dream and their colors are vibrant. Best thing about them is the fact that unlike paints and pastels, there is little to no mess. Even if you are not Vincent Van Gogh and are just wanting to learn how to paint, watercolors are a great way to learn.

When it comes to watercolors, I try my best to get my practice in everyday. I find it enjoyable and relaxing in order to watch all of the colors blend flawlessly together and to form shadows and highlights of things that I am painting. There is just something calming about watercolor painting that keeps me going with it that I keep up with my skills and make sure that everything is up to par. Not only that, but I like to make sure that I am learning and practicing new skills that I have not practiced before. Another reason why I like watercolor painting is that, unlike other painting, it is reasonable in price. You don’t have to pay that much for a good set of paints, some watercolor paper and some brushes. Watercolor painting is a hobby that can be quickly learned and enjoyed by anyone who wishes to learn it, which is why I often suggest it to people who want to learn something that is relaxing.

Now other than watercolors, I do hike, walk, and journal in order to keep my stress levels down. I also do deep breathing exercises to help me out with any stress that I might be dealing with on a daily basis. Out of all the coping skills that I have, I will have to admit that watercolor painting and hiking will have to be my favorite with watercolor painting holding a slight lead. I could spend hours just painting without anyone bothering me at all, just watching the colors mix together. For me, it it is far more relaxing than anything else out there.

Do you have a favorite coping skill or a suggestion of a coping skill I should try? Post below!


The Frustrations of my Illness

I haven’t written in a while due to the fact that I did not have much to write about and I fell out of journaling for a bit. Maybe that isn’t an excuse for stopping but it is a reason why I had stopped journaling for a bit. It seems to happen often when it comes to having Bipolar, especially when you are experiencing the depression side of it. Things that you once enjoyed – even if it was once the simplest thing that you could possibly do – are not simple anymore. Instead, they become rather difficult in order to complete. They become forgotten, lost in translation in the depression that is now apart of your life. You lose the will to do the things that you once loved to do.

Bipolar changes your life.

There is so much that bipolar changes within one’s life that it can become rather frustrating. Everything that I have dealt with, I have become frustrated at times with what I have dealt with. My moods changing rapidly, causing unexpected reactions. Generally speaking, it is caused by my bipolar and the rapid moving of my mind. It is not fun at all, especially with all that I deal with. There are plenty of times in which I wish that it would all stop but unfortunately, it is something that is hard to control, especially when one doesn’t have the right medicine.

Speaking of medicine, it can be hard in order to find the right medicine that can be of help and might result in multiple trial and errors before the right cocktail is found. I will be honest, this is what I find very frustrating to me. What worked for me for 6 months would stop working for me and cause problems and make things worse than what they should be. Not only is finding the right medicine a pain in the ass but let’s talk about the side effect. Really. Some of the side effects that you get from the medicine is not the most pleasant side effects that you can ever get. Weight gain. Mania. Depression. There are so many negative side effects which are caused by these medicines that it is hard to believe. Most of the medicines have negative side effects, especially whenever it comes to the antipsychotics.

There are so many frustrations that come with this disorder that sometimes, it is hard to see past the negatives and look towards the positives. I have become a more compassionate and opened my heart up towards other people. I see the world differently compared to other people, who might not see it in the same perspective as me so even though there are some frustrations of bipolar that I deal with, I also deal with the aspects where it has helped me grow as a human being.