Racing thoughts.. it is seriously a time in which I wish that I could seriously collect all of my thoughts into a bottle and hold onto them tightly. For me, everything is a blur at this time and it is hard to tell what I am actually thinking. I hate these moments of my illness, the moments that I deal with these thoughts that I really cannot control. I sometimes wish that I could gather my thoughts but no, that would not be possible at all. It could not be possible. These thoughts are apart of me now and there is nothing that I can really do in order to control them, except for continuing to take my medicine. But even then, it seems as though the thoughts just wish to make everything a blur to me.
I don’t know why this has to be apart of the bipolar disorder. I seriously wish it wasn’t for those who have never had to deal with racing thoughts are lucky. They never had to deal with the fact that it felt like they were a train ready to flip off of its tracks and crash to the ground where it didn’t belong. That is what it feels like to me. There are plenty of times where I cannot even gather my thoughts, times in which I try my best to control more than anything else. It is hard though, hard to control these thoughts that some people know nothing about. These thoughts make me cry at times, make me wish that I did not have to deal with them at all. They are horrible, the one thing that I wish I didn’t have to deal with and yet, they glare at me every day, threatening me to come out. Some days are worse than others while other days, I feel like there is nothing to them at all.
The medicine I am on helps to control them, helps to manage them but it doesn’t completely get rid of them. It just minimizes the racing of the thoughts and makes them go a lot slower than what they were before. Some days the medicine works well, other days it does not. It really depends on the day. When the medicine does not seem to be doing its job, I turn my attention to journaling, which seems to help out a lot. It helps to get my thoughts out on paper, to write down everything that I possibly can write without anyone really bothering me or bugging me about the issue at hand. Sometimes, I journal twice a day depending on how my thoughts are going while, for the most part, I only journal once a day, allowing everything to be released on paper, to allow all my thoughts to be spread about and thrown together with well fitted words. Journaling is my release in life, is the one way that I am able to find myself in a word where I feel so different from the people around me. It helps me to see straight when at times, I cannot see for myself. It is a blessing when I am finally able to fit in with the word around me, especially when I already feel absent from the world that I belong to.
As for these racing thoughts that I deal with, there are a variety of different things that I have thoughts about, depending on what I think about, for they are just normal thoughts just in hyper speed. Today I had a thought about a dream I had last night where I was told by my manager that I wasn’t bipolar – wouldn’t that be swell – and that I was alright. Unfortunately, I know that it isn’t the case for me and I still have Bipolar. As I stated above these thoughts usually come on daily and are usually slowed down with the help of medicine and – for me – journaling. That is one of the reasons why you see me attempting to journal every day. That is unless I fall off the face of this earth. I do tend to do that at times, which I have proven also.
Although this is something that I must learn to deal with, it is something that I will not allow to run my life. I am determined to life a fulfilling life, no matter how short or long it might end up being.